Tuesday, June 29, 2010
rusty
I haven't written in such a long time. It's funny, there a bunch of drafts that I have saved on here that start with the same sentence. Then it'll go along the lines that so much has happened since my last post. It's the truth, a lot has happened. I'm not sure the last date I actually spent time to post on here but I'm pretty sure it's been well over a year. A year of change, a lot of change internally and a lot of change externally. If I sat down and actually pondered it all I would probably be here forever. I guess that's part of the reason I've been avoiding actually writing down what's been happening; just too much, just too lazy, just too much on my mind. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like vomiting it all up onto the keyboard and uploading it where everybody can see it and where nobody can find it at the same time. Right now is not the right time to write.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
i'm nowhere near suicidal but sometimes i feel like dying, killing myself sounds very self-absorbed and dramatic but sometimes i imagine it. i feel like such a piece of shit fuck face who should disappear. my insides hurt. i wish i could talk about it with someone who understands, i feel like everybody would think i'm emo, dramatic, or crazy. i mean i'm all those things but at the same time i'm not. i feel so good for nothing, i can't explain how i feel cause i never pay attention to how i'm exactly feeling and what's making me that way. and when i try to remember wht it was that was happening to me, i start second guessing myself. maybe i am just too sefish and self absorbed. i don't know how i feel except that i struggle with every single one of my flaws, it hurts me knowing how hurtful i really am. when i think about all that i've done, i picture a grenade in my mouth. or something
silly like me being a hero or me being a victim. i really can't stand myself.
silly like me being a hero or me being a victim. i really can't stand myself.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
i don't know why
I don't know why, but I've been really emotional lately. Not in the kind of sense where I'm getting upset at other people or that people have been hurting my feelings lately, it's more of an issue of sensitivity. This has never really been characteristically of me but whenever I see people crying or getting emotional, I start wanting to cry and start wanting to be upset with them. I guess I started feeling like this after Mr. Berge's funeral, I bawled like a baby, when his son spoke at the wake. He was crying and I was crying, and I just couldn't take it
I'm crying right now; thinking about how the son must carry his father's torch prematurely. Tori told me how the son, Jason, calls his mother everyday driving home from working at the shop his Dad ran and doesn't say a word, but weeps because he's surrounded by things that reminds him of him. Even his mother stopped coming to church because it reminded her of him too much. And she would start crying during the service, but she would be too embarrassed to cry in front of the people and draw attention to her self. It breaks my heart.
I'm listening to Elliott Smith right now, and I guess that doesn't really help me stop from crying either. Listening to songs like, "A Fond Farewell to a Friend", "Say Yes", "Angeles", and a ton of others. His music just oozes with emotion and desperation. I'm not sure if "desperation" is the right word I'm looking for to describe it but I can't think of any better word. Elliott was a drug user and committed suicide October 21, 2003, after an altercation with his girlfriend and habitual drug use. During Elliott's career he had developed a large cult following and had been a really great inspiration and connection to hope for a lot of people. and his music was heralded as being supposed to save pop music. Unfortunately, he took his own life and never really attained the popularity and success that was predicted for him. There's a memorial for him in front of Solutions Audio, in California, where he had posed for a picture that was used as his XO album cover. I feel like crying when I listen to his music, especially when I think of the inward demons he battled and wrote about, and all the hope he gave people and that he isn't around anymore. It breaks my heart.
I'm crying right now; thinking about how the son must carry his father's torch prematurely. Tori told me how the son, Jason, calls his mother everyday driving home from working at the shop his Dad ran and doesn't say a word, but weeps because he's surrounded by things that reminds him of him. Even his mother stopped coming to church because it reminded her of him too much. And she would start crying during the service, but she would be too embarrassed to cry in front of the people and draw attention to her self. It breaks my heart.
I'm listening to Elliott Smith right now, and I guess that doesn't really help me stop from crying either. Listening to songs like, "A Fond Farewell to a Friend", "Say Yes", "Angeles", and a ton of others. His music just oozes with emotion and desperation. I'm not sure if "desperation" is the right word I'm looking for to describe it but I can't think of any better word. Elliott was a drug user and committed suicide October 21, 2003, after an altercation with his girlfriend and habitual drug use. During Elliott's career he had developed a large cult following and had been a really great inspiration and connection to hope for a lot of people. and his music was heralded as being supposed to save pop music. Unfortunately, he took his own life and never really attained the popularity and success that was predicted for him. There's a memorial for him in front of Solutions Audio, in California, where he had posed for a picture that was used as his XO album cover. I feel like crying when I listen to his music, especially when I think of the inward demons he battled and wrote about, and all the hope he gave people and that he isn't around anymore. It breaks my heart.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
writing this entry took about 4 or 5 sittings
So everybody has been posting the "25 things" notes on Facebook, it seems to be a fast growing trend. For those of you who don't know, (even though I'm sure all of you do), "25" is supposed to be 25 random facts about yourself that you post for everybody to see. And being the antagonist that I am, (or that I wish i was), I'm going to post my own 25 on here. The only reason why I'm not doing this on Facebook is because some of my 25 facts are kind of personal and whatever. So if you ever stumble across my blog and this entry, treat yourself to some intimate and slightly morbid facts about me.
1. I was born in the Philippines. I moved to America when I was two. I can't speak Tagalog, the national language of the Philippines, but I can understand most of it. I dream of moving back to the Philippines one day and staying there a few years just become reacquainted with my heritage and my culture.
2. I'm trying to become an RN, but I don't really know if I'm going to work as a nurse once I do get my RN. Truth is that I have other plans with my life, and being a nurse may or may not be part of it, I don't really know what's going to happen. I'm only on the path I'm on now is because I feel obligated to my parents to get an education and have some sort of "back-up plan to fall on." And lately, I've been noticing God's been pushing me in this direction too.
3. I want to see this country, and the world, on my feet. Like, I want to travel everywhere and meet all sorts of people and see the reality of people's lives in different places. I never want to travel to a new place and only see a rich vacation resort.
4. Nearly everybody I come across I ask to start a band with them. I'm slightly joking but mostly serious. I really want to start up a music project but I lack the initiation to actually start one.
5. I play guitar. I dream guitar. I read guitar. But mostly dream and read. I really need to start playing more. I love guitars, not just guitars either but instruments and music in general. I'm really into it. I'm not very talented though; it's funny because my father is very musically inclined and so is my younger sister. I guess the musical talent genes skipped me. I try hard though.
6. If I had to describe my musical style to you I would have to say I have a very basic style. I'm not really pursuing technical prowess or unparalleled skilled, but rather, I pursue a kind of music that is very honest and has a certain rawness to it. The music I write usually consists of a 2 or 3 chord progression and melodic vocals of relevant-fictitious nonsense lyrics. I'm really inspired by the folk music and low-fidelity music. An example of each would be Damien Jurado and Neutral Milk Hotel, respectively. Both are my current favorites.
7. I'm in love with warm and fuzzy things, like sweaters, tube amps, fuzzy overdrives, vinyl records, tape cassettes and lo-fi recordings. I don't know, it's just something about having imperfections in things like low fidelity that make it perfect.
8. I am an emotional person. I like to cry, but I don't get to as much as I would like to. But I get really stupid with my emotions and how I feel. Often times I make the worst decisions and conclusions when I'm emotional, sometimes good things come out of my emotions. But more often than not, it's something negative.
9. I have a girlfriend. Her name is Tori. She's an amazing person. She's patient and kind and super understanding of me. I treat her wrongly at times, and embarrass her and myself as a result of it. In hindsight, when I think about all the times that I've treated her wrongly, I feel like killing myself. I always mess things up and I'm so ashamed. The people (our friends), who've seen me when I've acted out against Tori must think I'm a horrible boyfriend and friend. I feel like killing myself because I'm so ashamed.
10. If I had to send in a Postsecret, it would have to say something along the lines of: "I dream of disappearing one day from the life I've lived so far, and reappearing years later no longer ashamed of myself." Now that's no longer a secret, but honestly, I dream that all the time.
11. I dream quite a bit. A good portion of my life is day dreaming and imagining. I dream of being married with Tori and having a huge, secluded piece of property upstate or someplace mountainous and remote with lots and lots of woods, a creek, and a cute house to call our home. It'd be a fixer-upper house and Tori and I would work on it in our spare time. I would record my music on cassette tapes and give them to her for her to listen to while I was away at work. We'd explore the woods on our property and build ourselves a secret hideaway cabin somewhere in them that nobody would ever no about.
12. I also dream of just traveling all of my life, seeing the world on my feet. Going someplace and working there until I had enough money to travel to a totally new a different place. Or abandoning the roof over my head and going into the street and playing my guitar and busking for money everywhere I went, having no set destination or cause, only to see the world and to meet new people.
13. I dream of creating a folk and roots-music scene on Long Island. Just creating a community of kids and musicians that are into this kind of music is so attractive. Like I don't expect everybody to be a folksy-guitar act either. It'd be so cool if ska bands, who are jazz influenced, blues/roots music acts, and solo folksy guitar acts could all come together to play shows and create a community together. I call this dream Grassroots Youth. That's what the scene and the community would be called.
14. My hands, and (occasionally) feet, are often clammy. I've heard that this is due to poor circulation and a remedy to at least help this is to take Omega 3,6,9 pills. My veins are really small; when I had surgery, the nurse attempted 5 times to insert the IV into a vein and still couldn't do it. She had to get an anesthesiologist to do it. Even when I was very physically active and fit, working out daily, my veins were always small.
15. I played football from 5th grade to 10th grade. When I joined the local PAL football team back in the 5th grade, I was severely out of shape and didn't know a single rule of it, I didn't even know the basic objective of the game. I quickly learned and I just as quickly fell in love with the sport. I loved the game, the physicality of it, but most of all, I loved the unity, the pride and sense of belonging that came with being a part of the team. I'll never ever forget how in my first season of playing ball, my coach, Coach Keith, exemplified me during practice one time, in front of the whole team and told them that I played hard and had a lot of heart. That's one of my proudest moments ever in my life. And I played hard with all my heart throughout the seasons that I played, and my coaches and teammates recognized respected me for that. I'm really proud of the person I was on the field. I won't ever forget it, and I still miss it. I miss everything, the sweat, the pads, the sacrifice, the pride, the everything. I'd have to say that playing football really helped in shaping of who I am today.
16. I have straight hair. The hair in my arm pits are straight. My pubic hair is uncannily straight. I don't know why, maybe it's because I'm Asian. I also have trouble growing facial hair. I can start the beginnings of a mustache but it isn't very impressive. I had a peach fuzz mustache that all the kids made fun of me for until the 10th grade, when I started shaving. I can grow approximately six hairs on my chin and the growth of the sideburns on either side of my face is slightly uneven.
17. When it comes to skills and talents, I would describe myself as mediocre. I mean, I'm the only Asian in the world that's not naturally good at video games, I have to work hard to get good at one. I have no particular specialty in any one thing. I am no intellectual, I'm not very inclined to music, I know nothing about electronics or mechanics, I am no wise advice giver and I was never a star athlete. I think if I had to give name one real talent that I had, I would have to say I'm a people person. I try and connect and relate to nearly everyone I come into contact with. I love meeting new people and I love building relationships between people. I was voted the Everybody's Friend superlative in high school, I take some pride in knowing I was friends with many people in school. In hindsight, I was able to break past the past of a lot of cliques and society circles just by being me and friendly.
18. I struggle a lot with insecurities. I battle with my need for reassurance and recognition all the time. In public, I'm pretty good at either fighting it off or disguising my anxiety but many times when I'm alone or just sinking in my own self-pity, it really eats away away at me. I never thought I ever wrestled with self-identity issues but recently I realized that I do. I'm not really struggling with the same typical teenage/young-adult self-identity crisis, with peer acceptance and whatnot, I see my battle more along the lines of whether or not I'm really the person I perceive myself to be (a good person and a good friend), or if I'm just a hypocrite and a liar. But maybe it's all the same. Some days I don't really fight with this but some days I do.
19. I aspire to be a writer, a philosopher, a poet, and an artist. I'm not really any of those things though. I try though. I try hard. I took a printmaking art class in my senior year and I did pretty well; I never considered my work good but it was innovative and the class and the teacher liked my work, but I never really tried outside of that class. I doodle a lot though. I used to write a lot of poetry and I often tried to put it into songs but lately I've been uninspired. I try and write here when I feel the need to but I've been uninspired here on this forum as well. And as for philosophy, I'm shallow and narrow-minded, but I try to think a lot of things out though and look for truth.
20. When I write poetry and lyrics, my main goal is to be honest. But often times, I just end up imitating the styles of the writers I admire. It's not that what I write isn't being me or honest, it's just that I wonder if my own unique brand of writing is just being covered up by what I aspire to write like. I often hate what I write though. I guess I'm just lost.
21. Before I met Tori and her family, I wanted about 3 or 4 kids, now I want about 6 or 8. Tori's has 7 siblings. Six older brothers, ages ranging from about 30 to 19, and a younger fourteen year-old sister. When they all get together for family functions, the Vargas household is a mad house. The brothers bring their wives and families and friends are always over. I love it. I want to have a lot of kids and I want people over my house all the time. The Vargas household never locks their door and people are always over, my house is the total opposite. We always lock our doors and my parents don't like it when a lot of people are over all the time. When I have my own home, I'm never going to lock my door and an invitation to come over will always stand.
22. I'm sure everybody writes this on their "25"; but I have a really eclectic taste in music. I love the Delilah radio classics, I love classic rock, I got into hardcore punk and some hardcore variation music for a while. I love folk music and pop stuff. It's all good to me. I try to get into all sorts of genres and music styles. Everybody says they hate country/western music, but I don't mind it. It's all good to me, unless the music is untalented or if I have some sort of hipster prejudice against the music, then I'll most likely won't mind listening to it. I love discovering new bands and artists, the two latest genius musicians I've uncovered for myself would have to be Jeff Magnum of Neutral Milk Hotel and Damien Jurado.
23. Lately, I've found myself wanting to get into the ministry more, more specifically, the youth ministry. Before this, I always just dismissed the youth group, thinking it isn't cool or fun as it once was. Back in the day, when I first started attending in the 7th grade, it was crazy. We went on mad scavenger hunts and did a lot of crazy fast paced stuff. Since Rob has become the new youth leader the youth group has toned down a lot. And since, I was a child of the previous youth group, the new style didn't really appeal to me. But I stuck around, and there were periods when I didn't really come around anymore, but generally I was there. But after growing up a little bit, and seeing all the new faces and ready spirits, I feel that God is trying to direct me to take more of a leadership role to these kids. And let me tell you, leading these kids is such a rewarding experience. I love it. My friend Krista, told me once that she wanted to do two things in her life: help people, and be in the ministry. And I think I'm going to take her cue and make those two things goals in my life as well. Friendships and relationships and just being close to God are such awesome things and I really want to help the kids build those things. I've had a lot of really edifying youth group experiences and I want this new generation of kids in the youth group to experience it as well. Rob is relatively new to being a youth pastor and I really want to help him build the youth group up to something that will make impressions on the kids' lives. I'm just so excited, I can barely explain myself.
24. I call my grandmother, Nanay, which translated in Tagalog is a word for mother. And she's kind of crazy and irrational sometimes, but I love her. She has had a very eventful life, she grew up in the Philippines and has lived many lives out there. She's a diabetic though and because of the high cost of medicine in the Philippines, we moved her out here to live with us in Long Island, New York. The lifestyle is very different between the suburbs of Long Island and the city life of Philippines, and she suffers because of it. She longs to go out and just have a purpose and job outside of our house, she took the bus to the mall just to read a book there, just to feel the presence of people other then the family members inside our home. She's just so awesome and is so full of character. And what I'm trying to say is that I think she is one of the most beautiful people in the world, I love all her wrinkles and the faces she makes at me. She's just amazing. I try to to tell her I think she's beautiful but she doesn't believe me though.
25. The last and final fact about me, I was going to say something about how Jesus Christ is the Lord and Savior of my life, but I'm pretty sure anybody reading this blog either knew that already or would have come to the conclusion of that. Instead of saying how awesome it is to have a relationship with God (not that it doesn't deserve an explanation), I'm going to say how sometimes I feel the desperate need to voice myself, my ideas, and all the inner movement of the cogs and gears of my mind. Now, I'm not an incredibly thoughtful person, or even an incredibly needy person, but it feels so good to spend time to try and "paraphrase my thoughts", as my Greek friend Philippia would put it. Like I don't know if anybody will read this much into this entry, but it feels comforting that somebody might, and maybe even somebody might relate. It always feels good to find a kindred spirit to share yourself with, and it makes me feel gratified thinking that a parallel mind might also find comfort in what I wrote.
1. I was born in the Philippines. I moved to America when I was two. I can't speak Tagalog, the national language of the Philippines, but I can understand most of it. I dream of moving back to the Philippines one day and staying there a few years just become reacquainted with my heritage and my culture.
2. I'm trying to become an RN, but I don't really know if I'm going to work as a nurse once I do get my RN. Truth is that I have other plans with my life, and being a nurse may or may not be part of it, I don't really know what's going to happen. I'm only on the path I'm on now is because I feel obligated to my parents to get an education and have some sort of "back-up plan to fall on." And lately, I've been noticing God's been pushing me in this direction too.
3. I want to see this country, and the world, on my feet. Like, I want to travel everywhere and meet all sorts of people and see the reality of people's lives in different places. I never want to travel to a new place and only see a rich vacation resort.
4. Nearly everybody I come across I ask to start a band with them. I'm slightly joking but mostly serious. I really want to start up a music project but I lack the initiation to actually start one.
5. I play guitar. I dream guitar. I read guitar. But mostly dream and read. I really need to start playing more. I love guitars, not just guitars either but instruments and music in general. I'm really into it. I'm not very talented though; it's funny because my father is very musically inclined and so is my younger sister. I guess the musical talent genes skipped me. I try hard though.
6. If I had to describe my musical style to you I would have to say I have a very basic style. I'm not really pursuing technical prowess or unparalleled skilled, but rather, I pursue a kind of music that is very honest and has a certain rawness to it. The music I write usually consists of a 2 or 3 chord progression and melodic vocals of relevant-fictitious nonsense lyrics. I'm really inspired by the folk music and low-fidelity music. An example of each would be Damien Jurado and Neutral Milk Hotel, respectively. Both are my current favorites.
7. I'm in love with warm and fuzzy things, like sweaters, tube amps, fuzzy overdrives, vinyl records, tape cassettes and lo-fi recordings. I don't know, it's just something about having imperfections in things like low fidelity that make it perfect.
8. I am an emotional person. I like to cry, but I don't get to as much as I would like to. But I get really stupid with my emotions and how I feel. Often times I make the worst decisions and conclusions when I'm emotional, sometimes good things come out of my emotions. But more often than not, it's something negative.
9. I have a girlfriend. Her name is Tori. She's an amazing person. She's patient and kind and super understanding of me. I treat her wrongly at times, and embarrass her and myself as a result of it. In hindsight, when I think about all the times that I've treated her wrongly, I feel like killing myself. I always mess things up and I'm so ashamed. The people (our friends), who've seen me when I've acted out against Tori must think I'm a horrible boyfriend and friend. I feel like killing myself because I'm so ashamed.
10. If I had to send in a Postsecret, it would have to say something along the lines of: "I dream of disappearing one day from the life I've lived so far, and reappearing years later no longer ashamed of myself." Now that's no longer a secret, but honestly, I dream that all the time.
11. I dream quite a bit. A good portion of my life is day dreaming and imagining. I dream of being married with Tori and having a huge, secluded piece of property upstate or someplace mountainous and remote with lots and lots of woods, a creek, and a cute house to call our home. It'd be a fixer-upper house and Tori and I would work on it in our spare time. I would record my music on cassette tapes and give them to her for her to listen to while I was away at work. We'd explore the woods on our property and build ourselves a secret hideaway cabin somewhere in them that nobody would ever no about.
12. I also dream of just traveling all of my life, seeing the world on my feet. Going someplace and working there until I had enough money to travel to a totally new a different place. Or abandoning the roof over my head and going into the street and playing my guitar and busking for money everywhere I went, having no set destination or cause, only to see the world and to meet new people.
13. I dream of creating a folk and roots-music scene on Long Island. Just creating a community of kids and musicians that are into this kind of music is so attractive. Like I don't expect everybody to be a folksy-guitar act either. It'd be so cool if ska bands, who are jazz influenced, blues/roots music acts, and solo folksy guitar acts could all come together to play shows and create a community together. I call this dream Grassroots Youth. That's what the scene and the community would be called.
14. My hands, and (occasionally) feet, are often clammy. I've heard that this is due to poor circulation and a remedy to at least help this is to take Omega 3,6,9 pills. My veins are really small; when I had surgery, the nurse attempted 5 times to insert the IV into a vein and still couldn't do it. She had to get an anesthesiologist to do it. Even when I was very physically active and fit, working out daily, my veins were always small.
15. I played football from 5th grade to 10th grade. When I joined the local PAL football team back in the 5th grade, I was severely out of shape and didn't know a single rule of it, I didn't even know the basic objective of the game. I quickly learned and I just as quickly fell in love with the sport. I loved the game, the physicality of it, but most of all, I loved the unity, the pride and sense of belonging that came with being a part of the team. I'll never ever forget how in my first season of playing ball, my coach, Coach Keith, exemplified me during practice one time, in front of the whole team and told them that I played hard and had a lot of heart. That's one of my proudest moments ever in my life. And I played hard with all my heart throughout the seasons that I played, and my coaches and teammates recognized respected me for that. I'm really proud of the person I was on the field. I won't ever forget it, and I still miss it. I miss everything, the sweat, the pads, the sacrifice, the pride, the everything. I'd have to say that playing football really helped in shaping of who I am today.
16. I have straight hair. The hair in my arm pits are straight. My pubic hair is uncannily straight. I don't know why, maybe it's because I'm Asian. I also have trouble growing facial hair. I can start the beginnings of a mustache but it isn't very impressive. I had a peach fuzz mustache that all the kids made fun of me for until the 10th grade, when I started shaving. I can grow approximately six hairs on my chin and the growth of the sideburns on either side of my face is slightly uneven.
17. When it comes to skills and talents, I would describe myself as mediocre. I mean, I'm the only Asian in the world that's not naturally good at video games, I have to work hard to get good at one. I have no particular specialty in any one thing. I am no intellectual, I'm not very inclined to music, I know nothing about electronics or mechanics, I am no wise advice giver and I was never a star athlete. I think if I had to give name one real talent that I had, I would have to say I'm a people person. I try and connect and relate to nearly everyone I come into contact with. I love meeting new people and I love building relationships between people. I was voted the Everybody's Friend superlative in high school, I take some pride in knowing I was friends with many people in school. In hindsight, I was able to break past the past of a lot of cliques and society circles just by being me and friendly.
18. I struggle a lot with insecurities. I battle with my need for reassurance and recognition all the time. In public, I'm pretty good at either fighting it off or disguising my anxiety but many times when I'm alone or just sinking in my own self-pity, it really eats away away at me. I never thought I ever wrestled with self-identity issues but recently I realized that I do. I'm not really struggling with the same typical teenage/young-adult self-identity crisis, with peer acceptance and whatnot, I see my battle more along the lines of whether or not I'm really the person I perceive myself to be (a good person and a good friend), or if I'm just a hypocrite and a liar. But maybe it's all the same. Some days I don't really fight with this but some days I do.
19. I aspire to be a writer, a philosopher, a poet, and an artist. I'm not really any of those things though. I try though. I try hard. I took a printmaking art class in my senior year and I did pretty well; I never considered my work good but it was innovative and the class and the teacher liked my work, but I never really tried outside of that class. I doodle a lot though. I used to write a lot of poetry and I often tried to put it into songs but lately I've been uninspired. I try and write here when I feel the need to but I've been uninspired here on this forum as well. And as for philosophy, I'm shallow and narrow-minded, but I try to think a lot of things out though and look for truth.
20. When I write poetry and lyrics, my main goal is to be honest. But often times, I just end up imitating the styles of the writers I admire. It's not that what I write isn't being me or honest, it's just that I wonder if my own unique brand of writing is just being covered up by what I aspire to write like. I often hate what I write though. I guess I'm just lost.
21. Before I met Tori and her family, I wanted about 3 or 4 kids, now I want about 6 or 8. Tori's has 7 siblings. Six older brothers, ages ranging from about 30 to 19, and a younger fourteen year-old sister. When they all get together for family functions, the Vargas household is a mad house. The brothers bring their wives and families and friends are always over. I love it. I want to have a lot of kids and I want people over my house all the time. The Vargas household never locks their door and people are always over, my house is the total opposite. We always lock our doors and my parents don't like it when a lot of people are over all the time. When I have my own home, I'm never going to lock my door and an invitation to come over will always stand.
22. I'm sure everybody writes this on their "25"; but I have a really eclectic taste in music. I love the Delilah radio classics, I love classic rock, I got into hardcore punk and some hardcore variation music for a while. I love folk music and pop stuff. It's all good to me. I try to get into all sorts of genres and music styles. Everybody says they hate country/western music, but I don't mind it. It's all good to me, unless the music is untalented or if I have some sort of hipster prejudice against the music, then I'll most likely won't mind listening to it. I love discovering new bands and artists, the two latest genius musicians I've uncovered for myself would have to be Jeff Magnum of Neutral Milk Hotel and Damien Jurado.
23. Lately, I've found myself wanting to get into the ministry more, more specifically, the youth ministry. Before this, I always just dismissed the youth group, thinking it isn't cool or fun as it once was. Back in the day, when I first started attending in the 7th grade, it was crazy. We went on mad scavenger hunts and did a lot of crazy fast paced stuff. Since Rob has become the new youth leader the youth group has toned down a lot. And since, I was a child of the previous youth group, the new style didn't really appeal to me. But I stuck around, and there were periods when I didn't really come around anymore, but generally I was there. But after growing up a little bit, and seeing all the new faces and ready spirits, I feel that God is trying to direct me to take more of a leadership role to these kids. And let me tell you, leading these kids is such a rewarding experience. I love it. My friend Krista, told me once that she wanted to do two things in her life: help people, and be in the ministry. And I think I'm going to take her cue and make those two things goals in my life as well. Friendships and relationships and just being close to God are such awesome things and I really want to help the kids build those things. I've had a lot of really edifying youth group experiences and I want this new generation of kids in the youth group to experience it as well. Rob is relatively new to being a youth pastor and I really want to help him build the youth group up to something that will make impressions on the kids' lives. I'm just so excited, I can barely explain myself.
24. I call my grandmother, Nanay, which translated in Tagalog is a word for mother. And she's kind of crazy and irrational sometimes, but I love her. She has had a very eventful life, she grew up in the Philippines and has lived many lives out there. She's a diabetic though and because of the high cost of medicine in the Philippines, we moved her out here to live with us in Long Island, New York. The lifestyle is very different between the suburbs of Long Island and the city life of Philippines, and she suffers because of it. She longs to go out and just have a purpose and job outside of our house, she took the bus to the mall just to read a book there, just to feel the presence of people other then the family members inside our home. She's just so awesome and is so full of character. And what I'm trying to say is that I think she is one of the most beautiful people in the world, I love all her wrinkles and the faces she makes at me. She's just amazing. I try to to tell her I think she's beautiful but she doesn't believe me though.
25. The last and final fact about me, I was going to say something about how Jesus Christ is the Lord and Savior of my life, but I'm pretty sure anybody reading this blog either knew that already or would have come to the conclusion of that. Instead of saying how awesome it is to have a relationship with God (not that it doesn't deserve an explanation), I'm going to say how sometimes I feel the desperate need to voice myself, my ideas, and all the inner movement of the cogs and gears of my mind. Now, I'm not an incredibly thoughtful person, or even an incredibly needy person, but it feels so good to spend time to try and "paraphrase my thoughts", as my Greek friend Philippia would put it. Like I don't know if anybody will read this much into this entry, but it feels comforting that somebody might, and maybe even somebody might relate. It always feels good to find a kindred spirit to share yourself with, and it makes me feel gratified thinking that a parallel mind might also find comfort in what I wrote.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Sigh
I haven't wrote in FOREVER! I was going to post up the other night, but after a few paragraphs I decided not to cause I felt that I didn't really want to post what little I had written. Plus, I didn't really feel like what i was writing at that point, so I ended up just saving the draft and not posting. I'll tel you the basic gist of what it was about, or at least, going to be about. Lately I have just being feeling like such a shallow person lately. I don't know. It hurts me sometimes, I don't really like thinking about it but at the same time I think about it a lot. I can be so mindless and such a pawn sometimes. Not that I get used or whatever, but I tend to not think for myself at times. But I feel that after realizing this, I've gotten a lot better, but still I am so ashamed.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
la la la
I'm sort of sick, I kind of feel like illness is creeping up on me. A sort of siege against the fortress of my body, with an epic battle soon ensuing on the microbiological level. I need to rest my head soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write down everything that's happened lately; not that anything special has occurred recently, but I still feel like putting it all down from my thoughts into words.
Tonight I went to the church band rehearsal for the first time in a long time. I was the first ever youth to become a member of the church praise and worship band. I debuted on the bass after learning some basics my father taught me a week before. He called it a crash course on learning how to play the bass. I knew the notes of the four open strings: E, A, D, G. That was pretty much all I knew and all I went by. Back then, the church band was my dad on vocals and keyboard, Dodi on guitar, Rob on bass or drums, then there was me, taking over the bass guitar for Rob so he could make use of the drum set. I got pretty handy with the bass, I knew some pretty cool licks and knew my scales pretty well despite being constantly criticized by my father. I soon learned guitar and started playing that during praise in worship. The church band started to grow with Matt learning the bass, other youth kids bringing their school instruments to band practice, and several adults wanting to serve the Lord with praise and worship. It is now almost a miniature orchestra, complete with: a cello, two violinists, a professional flutist, a drum kit with alternating drummers, a percussion set, a piano, a few alternating bass players, and anything ranging from one to five guitar players, with ages ranging from twelve to whatever. To make a long story short, I quit playing the church band because my father, a veteran musician, would never ever criticize anybody for their musical capabilities or lack thereof. Anybody but me that is, I was the only person he ever criticized but I don't blame him. Leading and conducting the mismatched and musical group that is our church praise and worship band can be very, very frustrating at times; and he's take out his frustration on me, pointing out every mistake I made while everybody else made the same mistake. I understand why he did that and I don't blame him, but after so many years of putting up with it, I decided to leave. And I did. But tonight I came because my father has been feeling kind of under the weather and left Dodi in charge. It was nice praising the Lord with music again, maybe I'll start coming back to the church band. I'd like to not play guitar though, since there is a sufficient amount of guitar players. I'd like to play banjo or mandolin or something like that. That'd be cool.
I learned this old hymn today, it's called "Be Thou My Vision". I saw David Bazan of Pedro the Lion play it on youtube and decided to learn it. It's a really awesome song. I think I'm going to play as a special number next Sunday. I'd like to incorporate my harmonicas.
I also learned a Decemberists song called, "The Crane Wife 1", today. The Decemberists are so awesome, I'm going to to have to write about them another time though. I still need to learn the lyrics but I learned the basic chord progression and melody.
Ugh, I need to go to bed now. I have to get up early for band rehearsal tomorrow morning. I didn't get to write everything, but oh well. Goodnight.
Tonight I went to the church band rehearsal for the first time in a long time. I was the first ever youth to become a member of the church praise and worship band. I debuted on the bass after learning some basics my father taught me a week before. He called it a crash course on learning how to play the bass. I knew the notes of the four open strings: E, A, D, G. That was pretty much all I knew and all I went by. Back then, the church band was my dad on vocals and keyboard, Dodi on guitar, Rob on bass or drums, then there was me, taking over the bass guitar for Rob so he could make use of the drum set. I got pretty handy with the bass, I knew some pretty cool licks and knew my scales pretty well despite being constantly criticized by my father. I soon learned guitar and started playing that during praise in worship. The church band started to grow with Matt learning the bass, other youth kids bringing their school instruments to band practice, and several adults wanting to serve the Lord with praise and worship. It is now almost a miniature orchestra, complete with: a cello, two violinists, a professional flutist, a drum kit with alternating drummers, a percussion set, a piano, a few alternating bass players, and anything ranging from one to five guitar players, with ages ranging from twelve to whatever. To make a long story short, I quit playing the church band because my father, a veteran musician, would never ever criticize anybody for their musical capabilities or lack thereof. Anybody but me that is, I was the only person he ever criticized but I don't blame him. Leading and conducting the mismatched and musical group that is our church praise and worship band can be very, very frustrating at times; and he's take out his frustration on me, pointing out every mistake I made while everybody else made the same mistake. I understand why he did that and I don't blame him, but after so many years of putting up with it, I decided to leave. And I did. But tonight I came because my father has been feeling kind of under the weather and left Dodi in charge. It was nice praising the Lord with music again, maybe I'll start coming back to the church band. I'd like to not play guitar though, since there is a sufficient amount of guitar players. I'd like to play banjo or mandolin or something like that. That'd be cool.
I learned this old hymn today, it's called "Be Thou My Vision". I saw David Bazan of Pedro the Lion play it on youtube and decided to learn it. It's a really awesome song. I think I'm going to play as a special number next Sunday. I'd like to incorporate my harmonicas.
I also learned a Decemberists song called, "The Crane Wife 1", today. The Decemberists are so awesome, I'm going to to have to write about them another time though. I still need to learn the lyrics but I learned the basic chord progression and melody.
Ugh, I need to go to bed now. I have to get up early for band rehearsal tomorrow morning. I didn't get to write everything, but oh well. Goodnight.
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