rusty

I haven't written in such a long time. It's funny, there a bunch of drafts that I have saved on here that start with the same sentence. Then it'll go along the lines that so much has happened since my last post. It's the truth, a lot has happened. I'm not sure the last date I actually spent time to post on here but I'm pretty sure it's been well over a year. A year of change, a lot of change internally and a lot of change externally. If I sat down and actually pondered it all I would probably be here forever. I guess that's part of the reason I've been avoiding actually writing down what's been happening; just too much, just too lazy, just too much on my mind. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like vomiting it all up onto the keyboard and uploading it where everybody can see it and where nobody can find it at the same time. Right now is not the right time to write.

i'm nowhere near suicidal but sometimes i feel like dying, killing myself sounds very self-absorbed and dramatic but sometimes i imagine it. i feel like such a piece of shit fuck face who should disappear. my insides hurt. i wish i could talk about it with someone who understands, i feel like everybody would think i'm emo, dramatic, or crazy. i mean i'm all those things but at the same time i'm not. i feel so good for nothing, i can't explain how i feel cause i never pay attention to how i'm exactly feeling and what's making me that way. and when i try to remember wht it was that was happening to me, i start second guessing myself. maybe i am just too sefish and self absorbed. i don't know how i feel except that i struggle with every single one of my flaws, it hurts me knowing how hurtful i really am. when i think about all that i've done, i picture a grenade in my mouth. or something
silly like me being a hero or me being a victim. i really can't stand myself.